NOVEMBER 18, 2020
Sue the gloves off of ‘em!
Hey there <<First Name>>,
Let me say that I am pissed off at paper towel manufacturers.
Stop with the half-sheet business. I use paper towels for big, important cleanups! The perforation that gives me the half sheet is terrible for wiping up blood and just makes me angry.
Okay. Okay. That’s not really what I am going to write about this week. I actually am trying to cover for the fact that I am absolutely not watching the Bills this weekend. Nope. Can’t do it.
Seriously, neither can you. They are not playing.
Perhaps you thought I was just being bitter about how the Bills lost to the Cardinals.
Honestly, there is nothing you can do about that. All the stars and gods and essential oils and vaccine microchips had to align for that. It’s like when you have been dating this really hot girl, and even though you hit a few rough patches, she finally decides to see you exclusively.
And then some guy with 5XL hands comes and steals her away...because...you know...5XL hands...
Fortunately, before moving on and accepting the loss, I have assembled a crack team of lawyers (ED NOTE: is that supposed to be a “team of Crack Lawyers?” Please, research before publishing.) and we are having a news conference at The Waldorf Asstorium Proctology Group in Kenosha, WI. We intend to prove that DeAndre Hopkins does not have two hands at all...and that means his one hand is actually 10XL, meaning he had to use such a massive amount of Stick’um that it probably violates league policy. Also, we want to declare that the game ended at the 13 second mark because the referees were using Metric Time.
But I digress..
It’s not just those Paper Towel people. Some companies think they can get away with anything and pawn it off as “new and improved!” Like the Three Musketeers bar. Simple...and nougat is fun to say....
Let’s add a layer of caramel. Ooooo. It’s sexy....like the Milkway!
Fine. Good enough... then some ass wanted nuts. And there is the freakin’ invention of Snickers. Which, by the way, does not satisfy me.
Handling it well,
PS: Here is a look at upcoming games, 2 of which will be at Firefly. The rest are night games or TBD and have no group viewings associated with them. (Jeezus, can we just go back to afternoon games and leave the evenings for Wild Kingdom and The Wonderful World of Disney??( Sorry. I Karened.))
Sunday 11/29, 1PM VS. Chargers (RSVP)
Monday 12/7, 8:15PM @ 49ers
Sunday 12/13, 8:20PM VS. Steelers
Sunday 12/20, TBD @ Broncos
Monday 12/28, 8:15PM @Patriots
Sunday 1/3, 1PM VS. Dolphins (RSVP)