OCTOBER 8, 2020
Transmission from the Mysterious B
Greetings <<First Name>>,
I come to you from a secret layer in an abandoned, sponge candy factory in Depew... crap. Now I gotta move again... too many details (Plus, the floor is stickier than Trinity after “BOGO Spiked Seltzer Night”).
I am B and I have secret football clearance to the highest levels of NFL misinformation and a lifetime pass to a peep hole into the Jills’ linen closet (B loves the smell of dryer sheets in the morning!).
Perhaps you know of me from my workings on BAnon, a secretive sect of sooth-sayers who offer sensationally, salacious secrets found only on the Dark Web (Haven’t been on the Dark Web yet? It’s easy. Just go to your device settings and switch to “dark mode.”)
B is gracing your presence today so he may spread misinformation and confusion. Yes, it is true that the fly on Mike Pence’s mane was created by Bill Gates to harvest pepperoni from underage pizzas...but I have far more telling info to share.
As you may have heard, the Tennessee Titans have been found to be kissing and doing heavy-petting while self-quarantining... (honestly, the “self” part seems even more sinister now, doesn’t it?) and this Sunday’s game against the Bills at Nissan Stadium (soon to be upgraded to Infiniti Stadium... same stadium but now the hot dogs will be $37) is in chaos.
B has heard that the game may be postponed until later in the season as the Buffalo team has a game next Thursday and anything other than Sunday will not be possible.
B has also heard that the Bills will also play Denver this Sunday and the Chiefs game will be moved to the Denver date. On Thursday then, the Bills would stay home and fold laundry, which to be honest, they should be doing more of, according to their wives and girlfriends.
There is the real possibility, from what B is hearing, that because the Titans are in a bad way with the NFL because of these additional Covid tests, that the Bills will win by forfeit. A forfeit will actually have a score of 2-0, proving that as in all children’s games you must win by 2 (and they didn’t lose that first SuperBowl!). The total points will not be added to the teams point total and will not be counted towards any tiebreaker. This means that when the Bills are excluded from the #1 seed and and we all yell “WTF?,” Roger Goodall can say “Remember the Titans?”. That, my friends is how residuals work in Hollywood’s Lefty Land of Evil.
Should some sort of game viewing happen on Sunday, we will be at Firefly over on E. Market St.. There will be good beers, full bar, wing specials, and a brunch menu. Game time is 1 PM. Kitchen will close at 3 PM but, importantly the bar will serve until the end of the game.
The important thing is that YOU MUST RSVP to attend. Firefly has capped it’s indoor limit to 30 people. B will not be present as far as you know. His identity must remain secret. He will not be wearing a Marv Levy commemorative shirt.... especially since Mr. Levy asked home “Where would you rather be?’ And B replied “St. Tropez with a kick-ass Mai Tai and 72 Virgins.”
If you are intending to bring a spouse, significant other, friends, protective services...please indicate such in the RSVP form on the website.
RSVP’ing will close at Noon (EDT) sharp on Saturday, October 10th.