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WELCOME
Aloha! That's Hawaiian for hello. Plenty more culture where that came from, this newsletter has all the goods. WELCOME to the first edition of The Flock, our monthly newsletter that helps to procrastinate, distract, and keep Mailchimp in business.
How we all going? Me, just fine. Cancelled my big 200 people wedding, my honeymoon, had a funeral, two family members in hospital (not c-word, they fine), self-isolating as an extrovert, cancelled my 20 people backyard mini-wedding, and ran out of cheese. That was all fine, but when the cinemas closed, I F*CKING LOST IT. Like...my whole personality is made up of eating pasta + wedding planning + travel planning + cinema. Without it - WHO AM I? Do I have to gain SKILLS? HOBBIES? Yuck! I decided to start with one 2 weeks ago, it's called drinking wine, and turns out, I am extremely good at it. Who knew? I also got a new colleague. He's very noisy, has a bigger desk, works harder than me which is annoying when HR is strolling past, and says that me doing the robot while eating a spoonful of Nutella while he is on a conference call is 'distracting'. He's also my fiance, but that's just a technicality. We are currently taking a silo approach. 
Moving on. This is a place where you will learn nothing, but hopefully enjoy everything. We will talk fashunnn, finance, interviews, relationships, books, and all the shows you should have watched by now according to ME if you want to win a beer at your local pub trivia. And don't worry. Aside from my attention-seeking rant above, we are gonna remain whinge and c-word free, that's a promise from me! (There's plenty more genius where that came from...) If you like, tell your mates to subscribe! If you hate it, take it up with office HR: 
Sorry, HR is closed for maintenance.
Typical. So, grab you tea (or wine, no judgement..) and let's get a reading!
TV TALK
Ah, the only thing getting everyone through a long-term relationship. I couldn't believe it when a couple I have known 10 years said they don't watch TV. Like...what do you talk about? What's all your furniture pointed at?! Do you...do you DO STUFF TOGETHER? Insane! Now, last year I watched a shitload of TV, largely because I was 'between jobs' (read: failed a waitress shift after 20 minutes. That shit is HARD, yo. Be nice to wait staff) and also, it is a distraction from life stuff, like exercise, or learning new skills. So, in These Troubled Times (read in a posh English accent only), may I suggest my totally biased Top 10 Shows You Missed In 2019 (click to read). Now. Is this a rehashed article that my work refused to publish that I'm desperately trying to get out there by any means possible? Who knows? Click the bold type for your ticket to happiness, laziness, and new chat for you and your partner. Just call me Dr. Love. 
DEAR MISS MAPLE


Got a problem that needs solving? Miss. Maple from HR is here to save the day. 
Dear Miss. Maple,
I'm finding it hard that my partner and I are on different paths when it comes to cup usage. Me, I fill up a drink bottle at the start of the day, fill a mug with coffee, and interchange the two. I might even get a juice in the morning if I want to go all-out on a crazy Friday or something. The point is, 2 cup max. My partner though - utter chaos. There's cups in the bedroom, cups on his desk, cups near the couch, cups in the bathroom (I don't want to ask). For some reason, nagging doesn't do any good, and I'm done with cleaning glasses! How can this relationship survive, and how do I get him to stick to the 2 cup rule without threatening to cut his manhood off? 
Signed,
Definitely not Jess. 


Dear Definitely not Jess, 
Good psedonym, I have no idea who this is. We've all got a colleague who leaves pens, a kid who leaves toys, and a man who leaves junk. I would say to simply dispose of him. but rumour has it he occasionally mows the lawn, and that's not a skill you seem to be keen to possess. So instead, I would instigate a rule Nanabelle would do when I was young. If you don't clean it, it disappears. So 10 plates came down to 1 plate, 20 toys became 1 sad piece of lego, and the computer keyboard disappeared until she realised she needed it to minimise something. The point is, the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away! REMOVE THE CUPS AND YOU SHALL BE FREE! Now excuse me. I need to roll on the grass, and perhaps take a number 2 on the lawn he hasn't mowed. Heheheh. 
Til next time,
Miss. Maple
W̶I̶N̶E̶, I MEAN, BOOK CLUB!
Man, I love old people movies with awkwardly sexual plot points.
As we all go batshit, there may come a time when we pull our heads from the screen and want to read instead (that time has not occured for me just yet). But when it does, let's have a virtual wine and chat about the latest chick thriller. As Will points out, every book I read is the same: Chick with some sort of mental inbalancement. Witnesses/Or thinks she witnesses, some sort of murder. Did she do it, or is her mind playing tricks? Spoiler - it was the husband. 
I'm fine with it. 
So, in honour of this 'genre', this month's book is
THE WOMAN IN THE WINDOW (click link) by A.J Finn.
Fun fact: It will be a movie at some point, so you can picture them accurately, Amy Adams is main character, and Julianne Moore is the woman in the window. I may have pictured them the other way around the whole book like I did with Big Little Lies (surely Nicole Kidman should have played Reese's character??) but I have made sure the same doesn't happen to you. I shall run a survey on the book for next month's edition, so get reading!!
FASHUN CORNER. LET'S TALK...
WORK FROM HOME GEAR
A model, idiot.
So, many of you get dressed at home. Weirds me out. What's annoying is B.C (Before...the C-word) I wanted to start an Insta called @comfygirl (DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT STEALING IT©℗®™and basically be the opposite of hot chicks modelling. Can't compete. But what I can do, is review how comfy at-home wear is. Not fitspo. Like, REAL at home wear, like size 24 pjs from K-Mart to sloth in. It was my ticket I would say out of here, but probably, back to home. I will now test to see if this could be a plausible career move, and great use of my 5 years at university (and a weird 6 month hiatus at TAFE when I wanted to be a Wedding Planner before seeing Michael Jackson live, but instead got yelled at by a chef when I couldn't carry even one plate without spilling. 2009. What a ride). Moving forward. Let's kick off my new Insta career:
@comfygirl
So, a lot of you have asked about my work from home gear routine. Right now, my influencerrrrr recommendations for WFH Fashun are: 

-Put on a bra. I know, devastating. But it really makes it feel like you made effort, and stops the girls, or in my case, Mary-Kate and Ashley (10 points to who the lefty is), banging against your knees while you type. 
-Consider a hoodie. Much Versatile. Very Zip. Particularly for those who now have a new live-in co-worker who likes to mess with the temperature (I swear to G-D IF HE TOUCHES THAT THERMOSAT ONE MORE TIME I WILL CHOP IT OFF!!!) and also cover up the fact that you still have your pajama shirt on during video conference calls.
-Leggings, the breathable kind. I was in trakkies, but I must admit, my K-Mart #ad $20 leggings make me feel like I'm going to exercise. I won't, of course. But just knowing I could makes me feel super accomplished for the day. 
#blessed #ad #comfy #girl #hot #hashtag #TikToThaTok #sponsorme #kmart #bestnless

Tell me: Would you like reviews of various comfortable outfits on Insta to help you relax? No filter, so may be R+ rated due to monster face. Vote here. 
WHAT THE F*CK DOES A ... ACTUALLY DO? 
Each month, let's investigate a career we might know the tile of, but have zero idea how they fill their 9-5 (and to my friend Megan, no, it's not all just 'being on the computer'). This month, let's find out - what the f*ck does a Property Manager actually do? - with resident Property Manager, Alicia Kate Forbes. 
What's your 9-5?
I oversee the department, take care of tenant's maintenance issues, make sure people pay rent. I'm in and out of the office for issues like hot water systems bursting, door handles falling off, leaks in ceilings, routine inspections, appraisals, condition reports, meeting tradies...just a day in the life!
So, like the Property Police. Do you get a badge? 
No Jess. That would be lame. 
All g. Ha...totally... (puts Property Police Pals badge away). So, what are you wearing - in a PG manner (unless you want this to be after 5 chat, I'm open...) 
Semi-casual. Unless it's a post-apocalyptic house inspection in 2020: 

Haha, semi-casual, same... (wipes Doritos crumbs off pyjama shirt at 2pm). So, best and worst part of the gig?
Worst, dealing with rudest people of all time sometimes! We act as a punching bag a lot. Best, not stuck behind a desk part all day! 
Moral of the story? Your Property Manager doesn't need to know you keep seeing the ghost of the owner in your apartment. Be nice to your Property Managers...they control how hot the shower gets!
ACTIVITIES YAY!
Don't you knock?
Apparently, keeping your mind busy wards off Altzheimers so you stop forgetting what you say and write. Apparently, keeping your mind busy wards off Altzheimers so you stop forgetting what you say and write. (Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. All month. I'm never leaving my house...) So, if you want to do some fun activities, I have created the below. First one to get back to me with the below filled out wins a prize! This month, I have created a Julia Roberts themed Crossword, yay!!! (click link to play!) Think you know the greatest actress of all time? Prove it! (Best to open in a PDF you can write on, or if you rich use your printer). 
JEWI$H FINANCE TIP$
Thought I'd chuck this section in here so we can learn and grow and perhaps write this off as 'research' during work hours for tax purposes. Also, I'm Jewish, so you know I know money. As Will says, "I make the money, and I'm marrying a Jew to take care of it." (Also known as his wedding vows). So, after being inspired by Helen Baker, here's my Top 3, from someone with no qualifications in finance, but an opinion and an internet connection: 
1- ADD TO THAT SUPER, BEB.
If you have a steady income, start putting some of it away yourself in Super. $25 a week = $100 a month. After 30 years, that's 36K. I mean, by the time we're 60 that will be equivilent to $3.60, but you'll be able to get a coffee on Pensioner Tuesday, so that's nice. 
2. FUN AND BILLZ - NOT THE SAME
Seperate Fun Money from Bills Money. Will and I previously combined the two, reasoning that drinks on a Friday were 'vital expenses'. True, but then you can't pay your internet bill for crappy 200mb and threaten to stab each other when the Netflix goes out. In other words, our vows, part II. Point is, divide and conquer!
3. STASH IT
As Old Mate Scott Pape says, store a stash of cash. He says it slightly differently (Emergency Bucket, I think?) but mine has more zing. Have some ca$hola put away for those super shit times, like the dentist, rego, or when you back out of a Westfield Southland car spot too quickly singing along to ABBA and swipe your whole back door and there's noone to blame but yourself and a whole family watch it happen and you have to put your sunglasses on, nose in the air and drive off with a smashed in door and tell your partner you 'have no idea' who hit your car and start a rumour it was the drug dealers next door so you are united against a common enemy. Not speaking from personal experience. Just something I heard about. 
RANTING AND RAVING
This month, I'm annoyed with: Mailchimp. I had a whole long intro ready to go. It's 2020 and program doesn't have an 'undo' button? ARE YOU FO REAL? 
Loving: My re-acquainted love for 30 Rock
Hating: How I don't know how to turn the camera off on Houseparty. I'm nervous you guys can see me 24/7 and I'm scared of pulling a Poor Jennifer. 

Want to hop on the Soap Box yourself? As long as it's not c-word related (yes, we get it, we're all annoyed about tp, travel, 1.5m etc. ) then send through your rant through the channels at the bottom of this extended monologue
CUTE AF
This month's Cute AF is brought top you by Maple, because not only is she cute af, but I'm biased af and I do what I want. Also, I'm trying to make her famous so we get cool shit like free dog bones. Like her on Insta, she's my ticket out: @maple_gram. 
QUOTE OF THE MONTH
"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it." 
Queen Joan Rivers, RIP

#toosoon #mj2009
Thanks for reading! If you'd like to be featured, contact me here.
Quick favour, if you're thinking of forwarding to a friend, can you get them to subscribe instead? That way I can keep track of who's reading and tailor content. Also, massive ego boost.
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The Flamingo Pen · Melbourne · Melbourne, Victoria 3000 · Australia

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