Hey there, how you doin’? 

This week we’ve been on the move, so not much to tell you yet. Instead, I’d like to complain (please) about my unsexiness in Southeast Asia. Here’s the deal: I keep seeing these girls (tourists too) looking all perfect: perfectly dressed, looking all fresh and cute, sometimes even wearing makeup(!), and I am like: WHO ARE YOU?! 
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against perfect looking girls, I am just amazed, and I genuinely want to know who they are; I admire them, I am like... how?! Because let me tell you something: Southeast Asia does NOT bring out the sexy in me. Nope. In Southeast Asia I am a GREASY POTATO. Here’s proof:

Exhibit A - my hair. There is no explanation really. Do you know when Monica goes to Barbados and her hair goes all mental? It’s worst. The humidity turns it into a bird’s nest and the fact that I always wear it up doesn’t help because it turns into whatever shape I wore it in. HOW? How do people wear their hair down when it’s 500 degrees?! HOW??? - both men and women! HOW?? So yeah, braids are my best pals here. They’ve got my back. (Sometimes. 'Cause sometimes they go a bit mental too). I wish I could show you a photo but I don’t want to. 

Exhibit B - sweat. Back in London I went to a Zumba class with two of my dearest friends, a Scottish and a Northerner. By the end of it, they were all flushed and sweaty, you know, what people look like when they workout, and thought that I was a freak ‘cause I didn’t sweat. Well girls, in turns out that in Southeast Asia, I am both a Scottish and a Northerner at a Zumba class. But the Zumba class is held at 600 degrees and I’ve got sweat in unimaginable places, like my eyelids and my elbows. And it’s not just a little ‘shine’, it’s proper waterfalls pouring out of me. And I am not ‘flushed’, I am bright red, like a tomato. A tomato that is boiling. It does NOT look like I exercised. It looks like I may not survive the day. (How do people wear makeup in this weather? IT IS NOT POSSIBLE! HOW?!)

Exhibit c - my clothes. I wear practical clothes: loose trousers and t-shirts are my best friends, as are my trainers. Occasionally I’ll wear shorts, but I try to avoid it because of the mosquitoes (mosquitoes must find me sexy ‘cause they’re all over me). I also - and this is disgusting so feel free to look away - wipe my sweaty face on my comfy/practical t-shirts because otherwise I can not see and it burns! So yeah, it doesn’t look good. And it’s definitely never matchy-matchy. 

And then I see these girls wearing the most beautiful long dresses, with their lovely glowing hair blowing in a sexy way (how is their hair blowing if there’s no wind?! HOW?), walking like they’re goddesses (maybe they are!) and I say ‘hi’ and they smile back at me, and I am like: “WHY AM I A GREASY POTATO?”

Gonçalo is doing fine BTW. He also sweats but he’s not a potato. 
What da dream?
Last week we went for dinner and I ordered shrimps, but I didn’t eat them because they tasted fishy. I’ve also been catching up on the latest season of Modern Family. So here’s what I dreamt: Gloria (Sofia Vergara) was at the above mentioned dinner with me and she said, in her lovely accent, ‘don’t eat the shrimp, it is fishy, it will give you bad tummy’. Er, thanks for the… heads-up? 
I mean, I see where it all comes from, but it’s still pretty weird, right?
Reading, watching, listening to...
As I said I am watching Modern Family and loving every second of it. I absolutely love this show. I’ll be honest, after Friends, I never thought there would be such a well-written/funny show ever again, but Modern Family is brilliant. Phil and Gloria crack me up, Every. Single. Time. 
(Don’t get me wrong though, Friends is the best forever and ever and that’s the end of it). 
And now for something completely… random
Dark WCs. Again, why? Why why why would you have us peeing in the dark? Especially in countries where there are creepy crawlers all over the place?! Why would you design a toilet cubicle all in black tiles and dark walls, making it nearly impossible to spot the creepy creatures but at the same time making us jump every time there’s a hint of movement (that possibly only happened in our heads), making us (potentially) make a mess? What have we done to have such evil bestowed upon us? 

This week I am grateful for…

Nice clean toilets. I am. I know it sounds like such a bonkers thing to be thankful for, but I’ve seen some pretty awful things by now and I’m telling you, a nice clean toilet is a blessing which we often take for granted. Which is why I always always give a generous tip to those lovely ladies looking after us in restrooms all over London. I know it can’t be easy, but I want you to know I really really appreciate you (and I miss you!).

Thank you! (And also thank you for all the lollipops!)

How about you? Any weird dreams lately? Please do tell! I love weird dreams!
Also, any suggestions about the newsletter? Tell me everything! You can find me

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