[Image of Carl]

Welcome to Newsletter #27

A bunch of tales I wanted to share with you

A tale I read

If You Love Something by B. J. Novak
[If You Love Something by B. J. Novak]

A tale I heard

Actor Lisa Kudrow talking about why her character in the TV show Friends, Phoebe, was given a twin sister called Ursula:

"When Friends got its time slot on Thursday nights at 8.30, straight after the show Mad About You, then they needed to start discussing, not immediately, that if I’m allowed to be on Mad About You as Ursula – and I wanna be on Mad About You – everybody realised well then we need some explanation for the audience. Like, why you’re seeing the same girl with the same voice at 8 O’Clock [on Mad About You as Ursula] and at 8.30 [on Friends as Phoebe], on two different shows. We need an explanation. So, I’m not sure if it was the Fiends writers or the Mad About You writers who came up with ‘they’re twin sisters’. It worked because they were two versions of different idiots. I mean, not idiots, that’s mean. But, you know, the thing is I saw Ursula on Mad About You as this nice person, really nice, she just didn’t pay attention to anything. And Phoebe was a nice person, she was fiery, but there was more to her because she had more than, like two lines a show. She was a decent person, but not dense. I never saw Phoebe as someone who doesn’t get things or pay attention, she was someone who just saw the world differently. Her take was completely different. But she was really committed to it. It was the Friends writers who decided that Ursula was this evil person! Maybe they didn’t like that they had to include her."

A tale I saw

Monsters in My Stomach by Poetri
[Monsters in My Stomach by Poetri]

A tale I wrote

I stepped inside my local store,
Where Fred the owner had strange things galore.
“Hello there, sir, what’ll it be?”
“I’m not sure... reveal your stock to me.”

“I’ve several crates of strawberry wigs,
And multi-coloured marble pigs.
Perhaps you’d like a cauliflower ear?”

“Heavens no! How would I hear?”

“How would you hear? Just listen please,
I’ve hearing aids sculpted from cheese.”

“That’s OK, my hearing’s fine.
Do you have some nice red wine?”

“I’m afraid I’ve sold all of my drink,
But do you need a kitchen sink?
I’ve got one here I think you’ll like,
It’s made of plaice and cod and pike.”

“I’m sorry, Fred, I’m left confused,
No-one sells such things, I’m quite bemused.”
“You’re right young man, what you say is fair,
But look at me, do you think I care?!”

I looked at the man from his head to his toes,
And noticed he was wearing peculiar clothes.
“What have you got on, you funny old man?”
“My sushi shorts, they’re from Japan!”

“Well they smell rotten, just like your scarf,
Remove it please, or I might barf.”
“What’s wrong with my scarf? Just have a feel,
It’s made from genuine, jellied eel.”

I tried to walk back from the stench,
As my eyes saw a garden bench.
“Dare I ask, what’s that over there?”
“A bench,” said Fred. “Made from old underwear.”

The bench was brown and stained all yellow,
“What’s wrong with you, you disgusting fellow?”
“What do you mean? They’re all the rage,
Just like this stuffing, it’s chocolate and sage!

“If you don’t like that, then look at these,
They’re fluffy gloves designed for knees.
Maybe that’s not quite your thing,
So how about this bacon ring?

“If meaty jewellery is not for you,
I’ve Klingon copies of Winnie the Pooh.
A thousand eggs sit on my shelf,
All were laid by a Christmas elf.”

“You can stop now, Fred, I must get back,
I only came in for a quick, little snack.”
“A snack you say? What do you desire?
I’ve humbugs here that taste like fire.

“Or how about some sugared squid?
It will only cost you 25 quid.
And in the back I’ve a special treat,
Lemon custard, smeared on meat.”

“Shut your mouth, you silly old freak,
The things you’re selling are rather weak!
They’re weird and gross and in fact quite dear,
Just give me a pizza or chips or some beer.”

“Get out!” he yelled. “If you don’t like change,
In here it’s you, not I who’s strange.”

He used a sausage to slap my face,
Before I ran outside with haste.

A dark cloud opened and rain hit my head,
As I started to think about the old owner Fred.
It’s true he was odd, but I was unkind.
I just stood there cursing my sad, narrow mind.

A tail I like

[A tail I like]
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