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Hello! Welcome to “Ashley Explains It All,” my brand-spanking-new newsletter. It’s something I’ve started to get — and stay — connected with you. 
Grab on to your butts and let’s get to it!
ASHLEY EXPLAINS: How to Deal With an Abandoned Pet
 
  1. Get dressed and leave the house to get a smoothie.
  2. When you enter the cold hall of your building, notice a live animal in a box in front of your apartment door.
  3. It’s shaped like an enormous furry potato and appears to be sitting on a letter.
  4. Think “maybe someone is moving in next door and left this here while they went to grab another box?”
  5. Get that smoothie.  
  6. Come back 10 minutes later and see that the animal is still there and no one is moving in to your building.
  7. Accept your fate: this animal is now your responsibility.
  8. Lock your blood-hungry cat inside the bedroom and bring the box to your back room. 
  9. Stare at what appears to be a giant rat for a few minutes.
  10. Know that you’re going to have to pick up that animal to get the letter.
  11. It’s the key to unlocking the mystery.
  12. Think about how you’re not a rodent girl and more of a farm-animal girl.
  13. Wish this was a chicken.
  14. You’d have no problem picking it up if it was a chicken.
  15. Text your boyfriend a picture and say, “someone left a hamster in front of our door.”
  16. Have him respond with “that’s a rabbit.”
  17. Laugh out loud, because this is a hamster and not a rabbit.
  18. Have one of his co-workers correctly identify it as a guinea pig.
  19. Start a thread about the guinea pig in a private Facebook group created for comics to discuss skincare.  
  20. Discover on the internet that you pick up a guinea pig just like a chicken: equal pressure on both sides of the body!
  21. Pick up that guinea pig and grab that letter!
  22. Read said letter, and marvel at the loopy, cursive writing, how it’s written in first person – as if penned by the guinea pig – and the multiple pleas to “accept me the way I am.”
  23. Learn that she’s a female, her name is “Grey,” and she needs a home.
  24. Update the Facebook thread.
  25. Think about how you’re not able to adopt a guinea pig, but you’re also reluctant to take her to a pet store or an animal rescue.
  26. Notice that the guinea pig’s water tube is empty.
  27. Fill it with water and watch her drink! Never has a little baby been so thirsty.
  28. Wonder why she’s not exploring her surroundings and chock it up to her being scared; later you’ll learn she’s blind.
  29. Start petting Grey.
  30. Guinea pigs purr! You had no idea.
  31. Get annoyed for a second over the fact that the whole day will be dedicated to this unexpected situation and not to its original purpose: finishing your novel.
  32. Remember that, alas, you have yet to start your novel.
  33. Check on Facebook and see that, due to a misreading of the letter you posted, the folks in the skincare group have decided to vote on whether her name should be “Grey” or “Greg.”
  34. Greg is winning.
  35. Read on the thread that a comic friend wants to adopt Grey/g!
  36. She grew up with guinea pigs and loves them and was just googling how to adopt one in Brooklyn! It’s a holiday miracle.
  37. Be a little sad because you've become attached to Grey/g over the past six hours. After all, you went through so much together: her, a scared abandoned, thirsty pet, and you, someone who couldn’t tell the difference between hamsters and guinea pigs.
  38. Remember that giving her to an experienced owner with a cat-free home is the best option.   
  39. Decide that in the future, when you have more room, you’re going to adopt guinea pigs, because at the end of the day, after all that, it turns out you are, in fact, a rodent girl.
ASHLEY EXPLAINS: UPCOMING SHOWS
 
NOG! NOG! Who’s There? A Matt n’ Ashley Holiday Special
December 19th


 
Join us on Tuesday, December 19th at Halyards in Brooklyn for a very holy comedy show! Matt Koff (The Daily Show) and I invite you to celebrate the season with standup, audience games, and a caroling sing along for everyone! Hosted by Julia Johns, Ashley and Matt are joined by Natasha Vaynblat and the Reformed Whores! Show admittance is $5 and 100% of the proceeds go to the Robin Hood Foundation, New York City's largest poverty-fighting organization. 

Halyards is here

Can't make it? Donate to the Robin Hood Foundation here.
 
FRESH OUT!
Every Thursday at 9pm at the UCB East
 
The only standup comedy show in New York City! Jim Tews and I host our favorite performers once a week at the beloved East Village location.

Get tickets here.
ASHLEY EXPLAINS: SOCIAL MEDIA
(PLEASE FOLLOW ME, IT BRINGS ME JOY)
 
F.A.Q.s
 
Q: What’s going on here?
A: I started a thing.
 
Q: Why’d I receive this?
A: Well, I am slightly disorganized as a person and over the years I’ve assured certain people that when I started a mailing list, I’d make sure they received it. But for reasons that escape me, I don't have a master list of people that would like to hear from me. So, I thought I’d cast a big net, email almost everyone I’ve ever had contact with and then let the little fishy that don’t want to party swim away. If you’re looking for a hole in the net, it’s at the bottom of this email (unsubscribe link).
 
Q: Did that story about the guinea pig really happen?
A: Yes! A week ago today! Here's a picture of her in the hall:



Q: Wow! Do you have a picture of the letter too? 
A: You know I do!





Q: Oh man, that's a wild story, Ash! Anything else you want to add? 
A: Just one last thing, here's Grey after she was up and moving and feeling much better:



Q: Dang. She's the cutest.
A: Isn't she the best?

See you in a week or two, cuties :-)
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Carrboro, NC 27510

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Ashley Brooke Roberts · 106 West Poplar Ave. · Carrboro, NC 27510 · USA

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