Ashley Explains: What to do When Someone Leaves Guinea Pigs in Your Building for the Second Time
- Are you kidding me?
- This time, when you exit your apartment, they are on the bottom floor of the building, not directly in front of your door.
- Halfway down the stairs, that familiar smell hits you, and you’re like “no f*cking way.”
- At the bottom of the stairs you find a big cage with a blanket over it.
- Pull back the blanket… and…
- It’s two damn guinea pigs cowering in a cage.
- You've got to be kidding me!!!!!!
- This time there’s no note.
- This time there’s two of them.
- But same as last time: there’s no water.
- You go back upstairs to your apartment, refill the water bottle, realize you are pissed as hell.
- The first time someone abandoned a guinea pig in front of your apartment door, a couple of weeks before Christmas, with a note looking for a home, your heart hurt for the little nugget and the owner (clearly an elderly person, forced to abandon their beloved pet for reasons outside of their control).
- This time you’re angry.
- You go back downstairs and give those little fur balls some water.
- You’re really angry.
- You start knocking on neighbors’ doors.
- Big, loud knocks.
- “Did you leave some f*cking guinea pigs in the hall?” you ask everyone who opens their door.
- The downstairs neighbors, the musicians, look at you like you’re insane, don’t want to go near the cage, and keep saying “That’s crazy… what’re you gonna do?”
- Knock on your nextdoor neighbor’s door.
- He informs you he found the apartment on Airbnb and just moved in this morning. Also, are there any movie theaters in the neighborhood?
- Go down to the second floor, and have a very heated discussion with the grandfather of the family who lives there.
- After a while, realize that the combination of your basic Spanish, and his smattering of English has resulted in you passionately talking about guinea pigs for 10 minutes while he thought you were discussing the garbage problem in the building.
- Remember that you do, in fact, have an issue with how garbage is being handled in the building, and make a note to talk to your landlord about that later.
- Bring the grandfather in to the hallway and show him the guinea pigs.
- Finally, he understands.
- And he is shocked!
- Either he is the best actor of all time and should get an Oscar for just being alive or no one on the second floor has ever had guinea pigs.
- Call 311.
- Let them know this is the second time someone has abandoned guinea pigs in your building in two months, and isn’t this animal cruelty? And shouldn’t you call the cops?
- You want to call the cops!
- They tell you not to call the cops.
- “It’s New York City, everybody’s got a problem” they say.
- Realize this list has gone on too long and that this edition of “Ashley Explains It All” will be the first “to be continued” of the series.
- To be continued…
If you feel out of the loop and want to catch up on the first chapter of the guinea pig saga, click here
|ASHLEY EXPLAINS: UPCOMING SHOWS
March 2 at 10pm at The Creek and The Cave
Welcome to CAMP! Every first Friday from 10pm-midnight, Nick Maritato and Ashley Brooke Roberts curate a night of performances ranging from sketch to standup to nonphysical entities hosting a podcast. The two-hour block this month will feature two separate shows:
STRICTLY STAND UP
Stand up comedians will perform stand up comedy.
Thoughts about food from people high on edibles.
Tickets are $5 ("2 Great Shows for 1 Low Price!" - CAMP)
Every Thursday at 9pm at the UCB East
The only standup comedy show in New York City! Jim Tews and I host our favorite performers once a week at the beloved East Village location.
Get tickets here.
ASHLEY EXPLAINS: SOCIAL MEDIA
(PLEASE FOLLOW ME, IT BRINGS ME JOY)
Q: What’s going on here?
A: I started a thing.
Q: Why’d I receive this?
A: Well, I am slightly disorganized as a person and over the years I’ve assured certain people that when I started a mailing list, I’d make sure they received it. But for reasons that escape me, I don't have a master list of people that would like to hear from me. So, I thought I’d cast a big net and then let the little fishies that don’t want to party swim away. If you’re looking for a hole in the net, it’s at the bottom of this email (unsubscribe link).
Q: I can't believe that guinea pig thing happened twice.
A: You're telling me.
Q: Who do you think is doing it?
A: No clue, but they need to stop. They keep screwing up my day.
Q: Did you take pics of the little ones again this time?
A: No, but my friend Julia Johns snapped a pic of me giving them water in the hall.
See you in a week or two, cuties :-)