|ASHLEY EXPLAINS: How to Attend a Holiday Party
- Do you have to go?
- Are you sure?
- Welp, first you’re going to need to prepare mentally.
- Record on a Post-It the date, time, and name of whatever person or business entity you are hoping to appease with your attendance.
- Put the Post-It on your bathroom mirror, your refrigerator, or the tiny crawl space you call your “thinking hole.”
- This will help solidify the “reality” of your plans to leave the house that day.
- Next, pick out an outfit, but don’t put too much thought into this step. Showing up is the accomplishment; who cares what you’re wearing.
- You could go naked!
- Don’t go naked.
- The day of, make sure to be wasteful, selfish, and gluttonous with your daytime hours. You’re sacrificing your night to chit-chat for Christ’s sake, so you better spend your day doing whatever the eff you want.
- Decide in advance if you’re not drinking alcohol, or maybe you’ll have just have a little, or make peace with the fact that you’re definitely going to drink too much and overshare about your childhood.
- Say out loud, “Tonight, I will be out and about, mingling confidentially with other people.”
- It’s good to vocalize your intentions. It prepares the mind for what’s to come and let’s your cat know why you won’t be home later.
- Decide to be proactive with socializing this year.
- Bring some playing cards! Gin rummy, anyone?
- Or a Polaroid camera! You can stop to gab when you take a pic and you’ll always have a good excuse to walk away “Excuse me, I must go capture that moment…”
- Or you could memorize animal facts in case there is a lull in a conversation and you start to panic.
- Did you know that otters have a little skin pocket where they keep their most cherished rock?
- Did you know there is an animal that looks like a tiny deer with fangs? It’s true! It’s called a “Chevrotain.”
- I call it “Count Deer-cula,” or “Why Does It Have to Have Fangs.”
- My favorite animal fact is: one time a kitten scratched my eye and I fainted.
- Anyway, where were we? I got lost in a memory.
- Oh, yes! You’re about to walk in to the party.
- What did you bring the host?
- You didn’t bring anything??
- Shoot. I forgot to tell you that. Sorry, my bad. Remember that one for the future.
- No, there’s no time to run to a bodega and buy some Vanilla Wafers. Just buzz the building and….
- You’re in!
- Woohoo! You made it!
- No matter what happens, know that you accomplished one of the most difficult tasks in modern history: being an adult who attends a holiday party that much of their inner being was resisting.
- Wow. I am really impressed with you.
- Feel free to turn around and go home.
- You showed up! You’re off the hook.
ASHLEY EXPLAINS: UPCOMING SHOWS
DC Draft House
December 1st and 2nd
I'll be featuring for Emily Heller this Friday and Saturday in our nation's capital. Come and we will save the country together.
Get tickets here
Every Thursday at 9pm at the UCB East
The only standup comedy show in New York City! Jim Tews and I host our favorite performers once a week at the beloved East Village location.
Get tickets here.
ASHLEY EXPLAINS: SOCIAL MEDIA
(PLEASE FOLLOW ME, IT BRINGS ME JOY)
Q: What’s going on here?
A: I started a thing.
Q: Why’d I receive this?
A: Well, I am slightly disorganized as a person and over the years I’ve assured certain people that when I started a mailing list, I’d make sure they received it. But for reasons that escape me, I don't have a master list of people that would like to hear from me. So, I thought I’d cast a big net, email almost everyone I’ve ever had contact with and then let the little fishy that don’t want to party swim away. If you’re looking for a hole in the net, it’s at the bottom of this email (unsubscribe link).
Q: Is there really such an a thing as a “Chevrotain"?
A: Yes! Here it is as a baby (cute, cuddly, perfect):
And here it is as an adult (fangs! Why fangs?!):
See you in a week or two, cuties :-)